Happy New Year! Or at least that’s what everyone keeps telling me. Although I can’t feel it yet. Blecchh! I know, I know, it’s best to start the year from a place of gratitude and looking up, but I’m actually going to start mine by looking in the mirror. My life is horribly outdated!
But first, let me back up to catch you up because I know we haven’t chatted in a while. Three years to be exact! That’s because the last 2.5 years, I flat out worked too hard. I’ll bore you the details and sum it up by saying ‘over-achieving perfectionist’ and you’ll get my point. Good thing is that my professional network looks grand and my bank account got better. But I also got my heart broken. I mean smashed to a trillion little shards!
……and while I thought I had been able to superglue it all back together within the last 6 months, I learned that it only appeared pretty and put together…but it was still fragile if you touched it.
Well, it got touched as we marched our way up and in to 2017! It actually felt more like a punch and now I have these loose pieces of glass and glue rolling around in my chest making it hard for me to love, err breathe. You see, my boo and I were in another tug-of-war; the kind that’s always front and center for us during the holidays and usually focused on the long-standing fickleness of my heart. As 2017 rolled closer, and our literal and figurative distance increased, I kept hearing this tinkle of sound and felt the sensation of my breath being taken away. By night’s end, there I was in Times Square, as the ball dropped and the year turned with at least a million people crammed all around me, and I felt…..ALONE. Yes, ALONE.
There was a sea of people hugging and kissing, but around me there was a perfectly empty circle. No one touched me. No one approached me. No one wished me a Happy 2017. I stumbled to a corner and sent my boo a text, “Happy New Year, my love.” She never responded. When 2017 arrived in her time zone, I called to say those words in person. She placed me on hold.
And as I held the phone and stared out into the night’s lights, I realized that the sound I heard earlier was my heart breaking yet again, and this time there would be no distracting myself with work and superglue to mend it. That’s because MY HEART NEEDS HEALING.
That perfectly empty circle in Times Square was my sign that no one was willing or able to hold my heart…or offer the tenderness and safety that it craves. Even though I felt ALONE, I would need to heal myself.
On my flight home, I tried to think about a solution instead of how my love had hurt me yet again. I also tried not to focus on how I might have hurt her, because that appears to be an encyclopedia I’ll never finish.
It dawned on me as the plane started its decline, that the only thing I know that really heals is love. More importantly SELF-LOVE.
So, I’m headed to the store to buy mirrors. 2017 is the Year of Me! I need the mirrors to take some good, long looks at myself. Not to find my faults, because those are always spotlighted for me. Instead, to learn to love myself even when no one responds to my text or call or that empty circle around me doesn’t close.
If you see me there, please say a hello. I’ll lift the heavyweights of healing myself, but I need support. There’s still this pain in my chest that’s hard to breathe thru, and my inner voice does not yet speak love.
If I see any mirrors on sale, I’ll let you know. I’m sure you could use some self-love too.